i fumble as i muse

it was great while it lasted

you can’t tell your heart what to do,
which is the perfect excuse of how illogical it is behaving.
despite my efforts to keep myself occupied and upbeat,
i found myself centering back to a particular place.
or specifically someone i wrote about on 23 june.
(please don’t reread that sentimental crap when there’s another one right here)
somewhere you come back to after a long day.
a place where you long to rest and spend your time at.
it was him, and he was like home to me.
lately i realize i’m just returning to an empty house.
and no one was there except for myself.
it was a process of unreturned phone calls and text messages.
his interest in my life and daily activities, slowly dwindled down to nothing.
i’m feeling lonelier in this state than just being on my own.
so i made a decision.
i’m moving out..out of this empty house. And moving on.

i believe it’s a spiral shaped learning curve

take 1 step forward, 2 steps back; 3 steps right, and 4 steps left.
something i tweeted casually a few weeks back,
i didn’t realize it’s just really apt.
in an unpleasant way.

more often than not, i’m always cleaning my own mess, doing damage controls.
so there are some periods, when i get into a good gear. i feel like i’m on a roll.
not before long, i fall into complacency, which leads to what negligence always does, ugly accidents.

pardon me if it seems like i’m beating myself up,
i’m still not over getting mad myself.
i don’t toe the line enough, constantly playing jumping ropes with it.
sometimes i feel like i behave like a child, and i don’t understand consequences.
does anyone feel that way too at times?

i’m a little jaded being back here, this sorry state where i’m forced to reflect on myself.
i thought i got the sensible thought process training thing over and done with, but it’s always back to this same old shit. i’m not mad at anyone but myself.

i read this somewhere, and it resonates with me.

one reason being that it’s unlike the usual cliche lines because it’s so ‘indie’ that i’m having difficulties googling for the exact words back again.
or second reason is just that i have a bad memory plus bad google searching skills. just pardon me please for the complete inaccuracy in quotation.

anywho, long attempt at dry humor cut short, it goes something along the lines like

life is not so much a climb, as much an upward spiral. (??)

as in we go round and round overlapping mistakes over again before we can fully rise above it.
and no shit. if i haven’t been going round and round tirelessly, making similar mistakes over and over again.
note, similar.. cause i hear how people say you should never make the same mistakes twice.
preceding mistakes. they are a more ‘evolved’ version,
a few more kicks before they are completely out of the system.
i might be just applying some baloney logic and etc i guess. in the name of defense and pride.
but i’m just banking on that logic, that i will come out better and stronger
after stumbling again, and again.

waiting for superman

She’s watching the taxi driver, he pulls away
She’s been locked up inside her apartment a hundred days

She says, “Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the laundromat washing his cape”
She’s just watching the clouds roll by and they spell her name like Lois Lane
And she smiles, oh the way she smiles

She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse
Nothing’s making sense
She’s been chasing an answer
A sign lost in the abyss, this Metropolis

She says… Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day”
She says… If life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this
Left without a kiss
Still, she smiles, the way she smiles, yeah

She’s talking to angels, she’s counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers, she’s falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, in his arms
She’s waiting for Superman

To lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love and climbing through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight
Oh, like a speeding light


it started a few days ago with setting aside some time for revision.
i had to quieten down to focus on schoolwork,
and i felt like i could barely deal with my thoughts and emotions.
they were rather deafening in my silence.
i had to catch up on sleep too, in order to focus on schoolwork, right?
but when i try to get back into my normal sleep cycle,
unlike the crashing from being all maxed out of functioning the day
on 4 hours of sleep the way i have been past two months,
i realize it’s hard for me to fall asleep on a normal routine.

this is hard to put this across without sounding boastful,
because i actually have been enjoying the buzz in being constantly occupied.
to go for a crazy long night which lasts till about 6am when i only have had 4 hours of sleep the previous day,
from crazy long night to another. surfing from one activity to another. it’s always a blast.

i’ve been thinking this is a phase because i usually need my introverted moments to centre my mind.
i think of it as an analogy of a battery, the quiet times are when i get to recharge.
lately i’ve been going through life with being 30% charged, and i keep swearing to myself
i will get myself into a state where i am constantly 80-90% charged instead;
that this is really just a phase.

so i was talking to a friend a few days back,
and we were saying if this is an issue that i’m thinking about,
at which point should i be slowing down then.
i’ve been thinking about it. not that i came to much conclusion yet,
but sometimes when you’re stretched out like that,
it does not always end up snapping back in place, exactly where it used to be,
for example, me getting back into my previous pace.
i’ve heard of many people who just enjoy keeping themselves busy, and rather not spend,or waste, in other words, time sleeping too much.
and i recently have a part of my personality that is appealed to that perspective as well.

don’t exactly know what i’m rambling about now, pardon me for the rather incoherent flow,
it’s currently 3:30am, just back from late night revision, and i still decided to write this right now anyways,
which means i’ll be lacking sleep at work again tomorrow.

i guess my point is back to the first part of this where i’m actually struggling a little,
and all of this hustle is just some coping mechanism, or a cover up for an underlying restlessness.
the notion of this makes me feel slightly pensive,
about how perhaps this is because of life that is causing this reaction.
how people say they need some drinks or a smoke, to manage and get by.

not trying to blame shift it all on this mega concept of ‘life’ though,
i’m just thinking aloud.


by my personality, certainty is definitely not second nature to me.
i have a strong need for sense of security, which ironically requires a lot more for me to feel secure.
it doesn’t help that i try to protect myself by anticipating the possibilities and challenging the status quo,
just to test how secure this particular reality can be.
okay it’s a bit complex, and form of irony at its finest.

and..i’m not usually comfortable sharing my private life,
all the gory details in its glory, especially in the department of romance.

so much for the long intro, my point is, i feel like i found someone special.
and i’ve been feeling rather confident about how special this person is.
which, isn’t hard to tell by now, that it is a great deal for me.

funny thing is, this is not a declaration that i am off the market;
i’m technically am still single. to my knowledge, we are currently not boyfriend girlfriend.
and distanced by 6 months of 13 hours time difference.

i guess my point is, meeting him, serves as the clearest reflection thus far, of what i really desire.
so if there’s any comfort in this ‘fault in our stars’ encounter, this would be the takeaway..
(distance sucks, i am allowed to use this John Green reference)

so yeah, distance sucks, it’s totally messing up our chances with each other.
this is so silly, but i constantly find myself longing to be on my own
so i can be left alone with my thoughts and memories.

back to certainty. on how certain i feel,
let’s just look at this. i am actually writing online, publicly about him.

signing off~ till then.

Benjamin Franklin once said

” Either write something worth reading,

or do something worth writing. “

Hope that explains why this space has been rather quiet. (; brb.


sometimes, some truths are told to make the lies more potent.


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