i fumble as i muse


When there’s a person very close to your life whom you don’t trust, it tend to cause a lot of complications.
And what happens when that person is yourself?

how much can you position yourself?

today the sky is really gloomy. making me feel all pensive.
i feel like i’m going to go all dear diary for this post which feels liberating and also wistfully unfamiliar.

back in office today after a long weekend, thank God it was good Friday.
today, i suddenly feel more aware of an advantageous position i’m in, office context, and that makes me feel rather conflicted. it’s one thing to hear of people taking advantage of their positions and circumstance, and another to actually experience it. it feels like one of those, ‘woah this shit is real’ moments. seeing first hand, the siphoning of opportunities, it got me wondering what it’s like being on the other side. it kind of explains why sometimes life just sucks. some people really just have it much easier because of sheer luck, being at the right place at the right time. the opportunities are all being taken up on a first come first serve basis, what’s left are mostly crumbs. it’s not to say one should wait for opportunities to fall on the lap, but this is seriously one of the examples where it makes one exclaim ‘life can be so unfair’.

and that’s all i’ve got for the day, my stamina for this is getting weak. i meant to ramble more, but the attention span is too short. plus the fact that i’m at work right now. odd, i have some actual work to do.

no one’s listening, they’re all watching

It’s not what you say, but how you say it.

In a job interview,
it’s not so much what you say, but how professional/reliable/creative you put it.
*Depending on the role you’re applying for.
Tone, body language and then bullshit your way through.
In a social gathering,
it’s not so much what you say, but how confident you put it.
How you insert yourself into a conversation, and bullshit whatever you want.
In a relationship,
it’s not so much what you say, it is really the epitome of how you say it.

After sometime, i think i stopped complaining about how no one’s really listening anymore.
I don’t blame them, because i learnt not to listen too much either.
Words can be colorful, sugar coated, dramatic, and they are very cheap.
If you are wise, you’d be guarded.

At the end of the day, no one’s really listening to words.
Everyone’s looking at the actions louder than words,
so much that sometimes words don’t even matter at the end of the day.
Just like how the popular kid can get away with whatever offensive comment, because he’s just popular.
Which is ironic because if you take it up a notch and spot that action in itself,
that action should end up being counter productive.
But some people, just want to take advantage of that i guess, ride the coat tail of them popular kids and kiss their ass anyways. It’s not uncommon how human interactions and its complexities make me go asdfgdsddwtfbbq??#@?

Hence point of this is, there’s not much point in recognizing this anyway.
Some (annoying/stupid) people are just going to play by their own rules.
What is logic. what is ethic. what is morales.
ughasddf. hahabanana ithinkandfeeltoomuchat3am

I’ve learnt these in 2013

On the last week of 2013, i bought my first cup of ABC juice. I swear it tastes like mud when i tried my friend’s one. Although with each complaint for each try (I don’t know how my friend tolerates me),  i may have secretly enjoyed it.  Maybe it’s one of those acquired taste kind of food. The one i got for myself tastes nothing like mud. It tastes like lemongrass?? Think i prefer the muddy tasting one.
I’ve learnt that the beet in ABC juice turns your poop red, subsequently purple. It seems the color tends to fade, within my body/digestive system.

Think i only learnt to write proper essays with citations and referencing just last year in 2013. I didn’t need to do that in poly because animation course. It’s a nice change from bulkier sketchbooks and light boxes (holy shit those are heavy as an elephant) to laptops.  Nothing to brag but i noticed i might be getting more fluent in essay writing stuffs. Although to be honest, it’s more of improved bullshitting skills. Then i pat myself on the back for sustaining a blog. How am i voluntarily writing chunks of words. I planned to type something here a week ago but i really couldn’t because i was struggling with some mind sucking school essay.

Age might be catching up to me. I learnt that I cannot pull all nighters without having visible effects. I will literally look ‘shag’. It’s not that i was a vampire before this and all nighters are not tiring at all, but it didn’t show as much when i was, *gasps* younger. Now i understand why they call it beauty sleep.  On the same note of sleep, I’m also learning to appreciate firmer mattresses. No more squishy soft mattresses that are fun to sink into. Now they scare me because back aches are real.

I got small gifts for my family on Christmas. Okay, it’s a pride thing, but i dig deep into my pocket when it comes to gifting. I would set a budget that I can barely scrape out, and top that just a little more. Hence, i have been missing some gifts for my mum in 2013 because i can’t afford a ‘decent’ one. Ugh. No more empty handed appearances for special occasions. I learnt that even without the ‘ideal’ gift, a small item would be good as a gesture. Will get my mum nice stuffs when i graduate and can afford more without bleeding.

I don’t know why is this list getting more embarrassing as it goes. But this year, i have learnt to participate in group chats. I was in the same group chat with a friend, and she replied without any hesitation. It was like witnessing fearlessness at that point. Go ahead, laugh, whatsapp group chats are apparently intimidating. I tend to read too much into it, and wonder why am i getting ignored sometimes. Then i shrivel into my corner and wilts from rejection. I have learnt to be bold since! *stoic*

Okay, i should stop for now already. Haha

speaking of new year’s resolutions

I am mind blocked by all the new year’s resolutions i see around. some are so good, i can’t resolve anything to top that. And there are the tacky ones that i wish to avoid, haha.  but here’s my resolution:
to be healthy, happy and to make this the best year yet.
(tackiness apparently unavoidable in this case)

First thing after work, i’ll be heading to Ion to get that sweet blue 2014 planner from kikki.k. it’s written ‘best year yet’ on the cover, it’s really cute. JUST SEE BELOW! sorry i’m just so excited









Why wait for a new year to change‘. << THIS is everywhere.

okay, i get where it is coming from. one should be ever changing and improving all year around, yadah yadah.

But hello,just because one can make changes any other time of the year, doesn’t mean it’s wrong to make new year’s resolutions. I feel so defensive about this, because the tone is so condescending and like implying people haven’t done anything till new year’s eve then they TRY to get their act together wishfully. ugh. i just can’t.

i honestly like the time of new year to look at things that happened in hindsight with this positive attitude that everything is going to be better. Even if it means people start aiming for the more challenging albeit slightly impractical  stuffs, like going to gym 4 times a week and having cakes only once a month (??! omgosh how can), AT LEAST it serves as a trigger point for some majestic change. why not give some props for that.

look i changed the look. new year new theme!

Grown uppy stuff

The only time when I did sensible stuffs was probably when I was young enough to obediently follow my mum’s instructions. I did my homework, attended tuition classes when my mum told me to and even drank those brain development milk thingies when i have phobia of dairy products. After which, defiance literally got the better of me. If I were to try illustrate the frequency of my irresponsible actions, it might be a bell curve graph. Pretty decent while growing up, good, maintain…then WTF IS HAPPENING?! Well, at least, I’m starting to see how atrociously immature I can be, which conveniently shocks me into growing some shit up. And hopefully, bringing my nonsense to a more reasonable level. Hence, a wistful bell curve instead of an upward graph of no return. 

Anywho.. few ‘grown up stuffs’ I’m trying to do: 
(I’m convinced that acting mature does not come easy to me at all.
Cos honestly, these are some really basic stuffs. Baby steps yo)

Taking daily breakfast
I have missed enough breakfasts to resolve the mystery of why I scoff my lunches down at unhealthy speeds. Also read how having breakfasts help with metabolism and god knows good metabolic rates are the key to occasional treats and desserts. I love to enjoy some cake or brownie at the end of dinner.

Making solid plans 
I can be such a terrible friend for being lazy and flaking out at times. Fortunately for you friends of mine who are still around, I am taking our little dinner plans or supper nights a little more seriously. I will not flake out until you do (:

Being punctual 
As a girl (yes, totally going with the gender thing), we tend to get overly optimistic with our preparation timing. Somehow we refuse to acknowledge that we spend way too much time matching our outfits. I learnt to just leave the house when time is up, with whatever (reasonable) outfit I have on and make it work through the day. Tough love for self. Maturity.

Being neat and organized
As a half fledged working adult, I’ve learnt to keep my workspace neat and tidy. Which makes it even more ironic why I can’t do the same back at home, when I even initiate improvisations for filing system in the office. Trying to minimize the tornadoes of mess that I leave around the house..

Turning 21

There was 13 into glorious adolescence, sweet 16, legal 18 then BAM suddenly the big 21!
Came out of nowhere!
Does that mean a magical fairy will come when the clock strikes 12,
she would dust some magic powder on me and voila!
If that’s the case, i have a short list for the magic to work on.
Because..I would like to:

1. Go to Europe
(and not just for shopping in Paris! although that would be one of the first things i’d like to do when i get there)

2. Go shopping in Bangkok! That’s right, i’ve never been there before. I am deprived.

3. Have a dog! A huge huggable one.

4. Watch sunrise. (To get out of bed at that hour would take a decent amount of that magic dust.)

5. Ride in a helicopter over a beautiful land

6. Attend a yacht party and pop champagnes

7. Play on a concert piano like a pro. (Let me be Yiruma for just one day)

8. Zip through the city’s night lights in a luxury convertible

I have more over here.  a.k.a. more embarrassing stuff i have yet to try.

Recently, I had this euphoric moment to be bold.
This is probably quite silly.
See, i’ve been drafting my personal descriptions in pencil.
or like Natasha Beddingfield, i’m ‘Unwritten’.
But it’s about time to toss out my pencil and start using the pen!
Bold strokes, nothing less.
Speaking of which, think i would also like to get a tattoo.


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