chloe.peh

i fumble as i muse

Newton’s First Law

As I’m slowing down my life,
I stopped chasing highs after another,
and realized I was actually the one running away
from a luggage which only grew larger as I go.
By inertia, I found myself face to face with my past and demons.

Am planning to take the opportunity to take them on once and for all.

If I could embed a song old school style like customized blogspots or blogdrives,
my song for this post would be:
Habits (Stay High) – Tove Lo, Hippie Sabotage Remix.

heart rest

Sleep is one common form of rest.
There are a million ways to be tired,
There are also a million and one forms of rest.

There’s arm rest from an arm chair for tired shoulders,
there’s also a leg rest to prop aching thighs,
and there’re neck rests which looks as strange as it is acceptable on a plane.
Of these arms, legs, neck and all,
the most important part of a person has got to be the heart, right?

It can be a father’s consolation of his new born’s cries in the middle of the night,
or yawning through a late night international call,
or burning midnight oils for that damned college degree you signed up for yourself,

Sometimes what’s better than sleep, what’s worth being physically tired,
is letting the heart be at rest.

What makes your heart rest?

And the heart can be very noble, almost like a personified busybody! Hehee! (: Cheers!

are we overusing the templates?

definitely being a freshie out of adolescence
has granted me a greater sense of freedom.
it’s a legit time for me to resist pure authority
because that’s not the way adults should communicate, right?
as life morphs into a fun-filled 100,000 piece jigsaw puzzle,
it gets harder for your life mentors to specifically tell you what to do.
honest to God, i really wish they could though at times.
but when the issues i used to recite to my mum or godsis or bestfriend,
can no longer fit into a list of an A4 page,
that’s when i realize i’m the only one who can deal with my own shit.

so i enter into this confusing stage where i seek opinions
from anywhere to everywhere else;
just so i can piece some sort of direction to work towards.
is that why people say google is your bestfriend?

that didn’t work out that well.
i feel extremely bipolar when i google too much.
just look at which is the most suitable dieting method,
not to mention the not so trivial issues like whether i should quit my job or not.
bottom line is, only i know myself best, of what i want and what i should do.

granted there are certain guidelines on how one should go about their lives.
they can range from,
avoid drinking till 3am on a weekday before an important meeting to
avoid getting pregnant before getting a college degree to
avoid casually punching annoying people even though they were asking for it,
so on and so forth. the list never ends.

it’s fine to take a page or two from that handbook.
i’d rather view it as merely a template, of life.
be it from the internet, parental guidance,
teacher’s advice, boss’ instructions even?

we all need templates and stencils once in awhile,
but i would prefer doing life freestyle eventually.

i fell in love with my best friend

his name is Nicholas C.L. and he is currently my boyfriend. (:
we never actually declared each other as best friends per se.
but we sure were acting like one.
or perhaps we were just building up to this,
because the best thing is that your lover is also your bestfriend.

we hung out almost everyday.
and he was my go to guy every time i had something to get off my chest.
yeah, now i feel bad
for rambling so much to him about my romance woes previously.
so he knows exactly about that someone whom i was so busy emoing about in june/july.
oops.

it has always been great to spend time with him.
even more so as he conveniently lives down the street.
he’d drive over within a matter of minutes and we’d go anywhere for meals,
followed by tons of spontaneous plans. we’re pretty good with the yolo game.
movie? let’s go. karaoke session, sure!
go somewhere relaxing just to talk shit, anytime.
it’s friday night, let’s go club with friends.

of course, in these sort of stories, there’s always the initial awkwardness to overcome when we try to throw romance into the mix.
sure, we were really comfortable with each other already.
like when he drags me to the theaters for his favorite horror films, i’d end up closing my eyes and huddle up to him.
i already told him i was terrified!
not to mention the hands on waist and dancing together in clubs.
but when we intentionally held hands for the first time,
i went all pre-schooler style, “oh my gosh ew so weird!”
and he was patient as always and laughed it off.
but for now, prepare the crackers, there’s gonna be cheese,
because i never want to let go anymore.

shifting gear from friends mode to relationship was fun yet frightening for me.
god knows and he knows,
how frequently i had panicked at the notion of commitment.
despite that, we still managed to create amazing moments together.

it’s a pleasant surprise, how natural and how right it feels being with Nich.
it’s one of those moments like he’s right there all along.
he’s someone who understands me better than i know myself.
i always thought he was a good catch, that he’s a great listener,
he’s observant and caring, has a great mind, with an endearing personality.
yeah, he class himself as the best boyfriend material ever.
it’s really funny how these trivial comments and opinions before,
has become so relevant now.

of fluff and steel

in this refined world of crafted lies,
we have all learnt to cover our asses pretty damn well.
we show people what they want to see.
big boss wants to meet a deadline? game face on.
clique wants to go out to have a good time, party face on.
a girl friend just broken up? empathy face on, though you never liked the guy anyway

don’t get me wrong,
i’m not griping now about why the world has to be like this.
i’m just saying this is a common reality.
and in the process of dishing out whatever any situation demands of us,
we blend accordingly, almost like a chameleon.
we put aside what we really mean to say, or what we really mean to behave,
usually it’s just too troublesome to go out of the norm.
eventually, we become so conditioned.

it doesn’t become too hard to behave like someone you are actually not.

it reaches a point whereby you know someone
only by the personality they have chosen to become,
and whether they  have been able to act it out well enough or not.
that’s kind of scary because it masks whether a person has truly good character or not.

So, Character.
currently an outdated concept which is foreign and irrelevant in everyday life.
and i’ll be honest,
i can’t care if my boss has a good character or not.
if my workload becomes unreasonable, i dislike him/her irregardless.
example of how irrelevant the notion of character can be in reality.

my main point here is,
in life where everyone around you is putting on a face and performing on a stage,
it’s the hard times and the tough decisions that separates fluff from the real deal.

do you live out your values or do you cave under temptation?
will you lend an extra hand or are you too self absorbed to put others first?
it’s easy to put on a show, but when there’s no one watching, are you still kind and patient?
that’s all very dependent on whether one has a character of steel.

it’s not a lost cause.
if this is genuinely important, just refocus and rebuild.

mild food poisoning

it began as a cautionary tale which was something like a myth to me:
don’t get sushi past 8pm. it’s not fresh.

it was a long day at work, knocked off around 8pm and
finally picked up some salmon sashimi at 9pm.
it must have been a sign when the cashier gave me a concerned look when i said no wasabi.
probably wouldn’t be sick if i taken the wasabi which kills germs.
but i don’t like wasabi. ):
as my stomach started acting up with discomfort for the 2 hours that i was watching tv,
i kept telling myself i was just being paranoid.
but eventually i couldn’t will power it in and rushed to throw up.
it was rather interesting to see how the salmon sashimi came out as some sort of a cooked texture.
i imagine cooking raw salmon with your body temperature is as fun as cooking an egg with an overheated laptop.
anyway, once is never enough when it comes to puke.
puke is pretty damn nauseating, as if i wasn’t already nauseated enough and that caused me to puke more till there was nothing left.

i went to work the next day, but i couldn’t sit through it and took the day off instead.
i have to say that i’m not feeling very easy about upsetting my manager with my absence.
but anywho, i had some plain food, fishball noodles, when i reached my house area.
my stomach didn’t feel too good again.feels like it regurgitates everything that goes in.
so i took a nap so that i would be too unconscious to feel sick and throw it up again. genius or what?

i’m just thankful the salmon was just a small portion. if not i might be unwell for a longer time.
but dear god i really love salmon. i love food. i’m still reeling from how this can happen.
my first time being poisoned by food. so this is how it feels to be betrayed by a loved one.

those who matter won’t mind

those who mind don’t matter.

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