i fumble as i muse

It’s kind of an annual thing

I’m not getting any younger here. Whatever happened to counting down to 00:00 of 30th July and wake up jumping out of bed like an over energized rabbit. What actually happened this year was this. 00:00 i was just on the car with my friend and frantically finding our way to supper destination. not that i minded checking back to my phone at 12:08 to some lovely birthday wishes (thank you). In the morning, I was awoken by the usual 7-8 alarms because it’s a work day and I have work to go to. No where near from jumping out of bed, it was more like a sloth crawl that was summoned by all the energy I had from all 3 hours of sleep. Having left the house after I was done preparing, I had a moment of confusion of what is the date today. Wouldn’t want to get overdressed for the wrong day right?? Such ‘white girl’ problems i know. I urgently checked my phone calendar to confirm if it was 30th July. At least I still had it in me to feel the tingling surreality that it’s really my birthday today.

What’s a birthday without toying with the thought of your ideal gifts? Here are some things that friends and family can get me.

1. A golden retriever.
2. A Simmons quality mattress. Is it possible to actually gift someone the gift of slumber? No, but this is the next best thing and I gladly accept. Note that the brand is just a point of reference in quality.
3. An annual supply of coupon for manicure/pedicure. Because I’m such a special snowflake, I honestly don’t want this for vanity’s sake. It’s only because I’m so lazy. I’m lucky I’m a girl, because my commitment (or the lack of it) in the bi-weekly/monthly nail cutting affair, would be really socially unacceptable if I were a guy

(i hope it is obvious i’m just joking.)
have a great day everybody!

follow your heart and cravings

to fellow right-brain brethren*,
it is as important to follow food cravings, the way you follow your heart.

according to Oxford dictionary definition,
Craving is a powerful desire for something.
point here is, why live life without cravings, and the satisfaction in them?

i found myself a cheat to satisfy food cravings while minimizing the typical consequence aka Fats Monster*.
by altering the thought process to get healthier food cravings, i sometimes find myself craving for a bowl of rocket salad.
aren’t i such a weird health nut? just kidding, who doesn’t crave for chocolates and cakes. not forgetting my favorite potato chips.

i’m not sure if it’s just me,
but i have high tides and low tides when it comes to cravings.
as in, some days my stomach brain* likes to think dirty and forgets what is eating clean. (*: i know, such creative imaginary vocabularies)
when that happens, i’ll just go with it. leap of faith!
relying on my next cravings that will be cleaner soon enough.
salmon sashimi anyone?
i think it’s more fulfilling than trying to curb your appetite all day long.

actually this can also be an analogy to life.
the heart and mind gets cravings too. and cravings don’t need reasoning,

just like how there are the introverted stay-at-home moods, and the extroverted going-out-to-have-fun moods.
they are usually subconscious states, which will sometimes make sense only in hindsight.
when your heart is telling you something,
i’d say, just go for it!

take me there

this question is interesting cause i feel it depicts someone’s personality and encompasses current underlying emotions and thoughts. well, sort of, according to my logic. and i like how this question can be asked at any time and the answer might just take a 180 degree change.

So, what is the one thing you wish to do right now, anywhere in this world?

for those wondering with a burning curiosity on my answer, i would like to take a drive with my friends through either New York or London’s city night lights. It’ll be slightly past 11pm, neither too early nor too late and the ground wet from the rain. With the car parked by the road side, we’ll be chilling at the outdoor seats of a bar with beer or whisky and um, fresh air, till 3am.

to be realistic, now i just can’t wait for my exam to be over. which is in about 6 hours time. have got a list of things to do once my time is freed up, but we all know that’s just a fantasy. call it pre exam goggles.

it was great while it lasted

you can’t tell your heart what to do,
which is the perfect excuse of how illogical it is behaving.
despite my efforts to keep myself occupied and upbeat,
i found myself centering back to a particular place.
or specifically someone i wrote about on 23 june.
(please don’t reread that sentimental crap when there’s another one right here)
somewhere you come back to after a long day.
a place where you long to rest and spend your time at.
it was him, and he was like home to me.
lately i realize i’m just returning to an empty house.
and no one was there except for myself.
it was a process of unreturned phone calls and text messages.
his interest in my life and daily activities, slowly dwindled down to nothing.
i’m feeling lonelier in this state than just being on my own.
so i made a decision.
i’m moving out..out of this empty house. And moving on.

i believe it’s a spiral shaped learning curve

take 1 step forward, 2 steps back; 3 steps right, and 4 steps left.
something i tweeted casually a few weeks back,
i didn’t realize it’s just really apt.
in an unpleasant way.

more often than not, i’m always cleaning my own mess, doing damage controls.
so there are some periods, when i get into a good gear. i feel like i’m on a roll.
not before long, i fall into complacency, which leads to what negligence always does, ugly accidents.

pardon me if it seems like i’m beating myself up,
i’m still not over getting mad myself.
i don’t toe the line enough, constantly playing jumping ropes with it.
sometimes i feel like i behave like a child, and i don’t understand consequences.
does anyone feel that way too at times?

i’m a little jaded being back here, this sorry state where i’m forced to reflect on myself.
i thought i got the sensible thought process training thing over and done with, but it’s always back to this same old shit. i’m not mad at anyone but myself.

i read this somewhere, and it resonates with me.

one reason being that it’s unlike the usual cliche lines because it’s so ‘indie’ that i’m having difficulties googling for the exact words back again.
or second reason is just that i have a bad memory plus bad google searching skills. just pardon me please for the complete inaccuracy in quotation.

anywho, long attempt at dry humor cut short, it goes something along the lines like

life is not so much a climb, as much an upward spiral. (??)

as in we go round and round overlapping mistakes over again before we can fully rise above it.
and no shit. if i haven’t been going round and round tirelessly, making similar mistakes over and over again.
note, similar.. cause i hear how people say you should never make the same mistakes twice.
preceding mistakes. they are a more ‘evolved’ version,
a few more kicks before they are completely out of the system.
i might be just applying some baloney logic and etc i guess. in the name of defense and pride.
but i’m just banking on that logic, that i will come out better and stronger
after stumbling again, and again.

waiting for superman

She’s watching the taxi driver, he pulls away
She’s been locked up inside her apartment a hundred days

She says, “Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the laundromat washing his cape”
She’s just watching the clouds roll by and they spell her name like Lois Lane
And she smiles, oh the way she smiles

She’s out on the corner trying to catch a glimpse
Nothing’s making sense
She’s been chasing an answer
A sign lost in the abyss, this Metropolis

She says… Yeah, he’s still coming, just a little bit late
He got stuck at the Five and Dime saving the day”
She says… If life was a movie, then it wouldn’t end like this
Left without a kiss
Still, she smiles, the way she smiles, yeah

She’s talking to angels, she’s counting the stars
Making a wish on a passing car
She’s dancing with strangers, she’s falling apart
Waiting for Superman to pick her up
In his arms, in his arms
She’s waiting for Superman

To lift her up and take her anywhere
Show her love and climbing through the air
Save her now before it’s too late tonight
Oh, like a speeding light


it started a few days ago with setting aside some time for revision.
i had to quieten down to focus on schoolwork,
and i felt like i could barely deal with my thoughts and emotions.
they were rather deafening in my silence.
i had to catch up on sleep too, in order to focus on schoolwork, right?
but when i try to get back into my normal sleep cycle,
unlike the crashing from being all maxed out of functioning the day
on 4 hours of sleep the way i have been past two months,
i realize it’s hard for me to fall asleep on a normal routine.

this is hard to put this across without sounding boastful,
because i actually have been enjoying the buzz in being constantly occupied.
to go for a crazy long night which lasts till about 6am when i only have had 4 hours of sleep the previous day,
from crazy long night to another. surfing from one activity to another. it’s always a blast.

i’ve been thinking this is a phase because i usually need my introverted moments to centre my mind.
i think of it as an analogy of a battery, the quiet times are when i get to recharge.
lately i’ve been going through life with being 30% charged, and i keep swearing to myself
i will get myself into a state where i am constantly 80-90% charged instead;
that this is really just a phase.

so i was talking to a friend a few days back,
and we were saying if this is an issue that i’m thinking about,
at which point should i be slowing down then.
i’ve been thinking about it. not that i came to much conclusion yet,
but sometimes when you’re stretched out like that,
it does not always end up snapping back in place, exactly where it used to be,
for example, me getting back into my previous pace.
i’ve heard of many people who just enjoy keeping themselves busy, and rather not spend,or waste, in other words, time sleeping too much.
and i recently have a part of my personality that is appealed to that perspective as well.

don’t exactly know what i’m rambling about now, pardon me for the rather incoherent flow,
it’s currently 3:30am, just back from late night revision, and i still decided to write this right now anyways,
which means i’ll be lacking sleep at work again tomorrow.

i guess my point is back to the first part of this where i’m actually struggling a little,
and all of this hustle is just some coping mechanism, or a cover up for an underlying restlessness.
the notion of this makes me feel slightly pensive,
about how perhaps this is because of life that is causing this reaction.
how people say they need some drinks or a smoke, to manage and get by.

not trying to blame shift it all on this mega concept of ‘life’ though,
i’m just thinking aloud.


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