what fills your jar?

‘You pour yourself into the thing that measures you and it defines you.’

‘My worry is that what you measure yourself with ends up defining you.
And I just hope that one day you find out that you’re fuller
when you measure yourself in love and people and moments,
instead of things, adoration and money.’ (quoted from here)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s not that hard to tell what you use to define yourself, the things you pride yourself in.
It’s okay, everyone has their own bits and pieces.
Maybe i was too settled and got curious with your stuff in your container.
i tried to fill my jar with the same stuff that you use to fill yours.
Most of them are like broken acrylic
The bits and pieces are small and pointy.
made of plastic, scratching my jar everywhere and barely filling anything.

It sucks to focus on things, money, adoration and other superfluos what nots.
i’m sick of feeling insufficient, feeling like i’m made up of numbers,
like i need to laboriously improve stupid numbers.
it’s time to reset and redefine.

papercut

Today I noticed I got more mysterious scratches than usual.
Usually one mysterious paper cut gets me feeling pensive.
Why pensive? One might ask.
My brainy brain likes to link it with the mysteries of life.

Self internal dialogue :
“Oh look, I’ve got a paper cut and I don’t even know where it is from.. “
“Hmm. Sometimes, my heart is aching and I don’t even realize it.”
Got me feeling, non-tangible wounds can be as accidental as a mere paper cuts.
Some tend be rough on the edges, and you’d easily get abrasions if you get too close.
Too bad these shapes can’t be seen easily in the real world,
It’s not like everyone has a sticker on their foreheads as descriptions.
At least one way to tell is when you didn’t watch your fingers and the pain sets in.

being nice doesnt pay but be nice

i’m not the nicest person on earth, nor the most selfless.
but there are moments when i am nice alright!
at times i do feel life is already so hard as it is.
why be another one to add on the the hurt of another person?

i feel like being the soothing aloe vera for your sunburn,
the yummy chocolate cake for relaxing from a strict diet.
not trying to be noble, but because
life’s not a breeze for me all the time and i’m just trying to empathize and help.

however, i soon learn that it doesnt pay to be TOO nice.
treat someone too nice and they’ll take you for granted.
i guess when you allow yourself to be someone’s doormat, they won’t stop you from doing so.
i’m also guilty of being responsive and responsible for some mind games.
making use of some door mats, being an occasional door mat.
yeah trying to be nice but actually leading someone on to be your personal door mat,
is just one type of mind game.

no matter what people claim,
mind games still have their places.
and they’re still pretty damn effective, sadly so.
it’s just human nature.

surfin’ the waves of life

it feels like i’ve recently hopped off the safety of a boat,
and i’m learning to surf through the waves of life on my own.

surfing just feels like an apt term to use.
there are highs and lows, just like waves with high tides and low tides
i learn to accept that there will be days that are bad, be it uncontrollable or not,
it’s just a matter of sucking it up and not throwing in the towel.
and when it’s good, i’ll go ahead and ride those waves on my surfboard!

what is throwing in the towel?
it means being immature rather than trying to tough it out.
example, refusing to give people a smile, expecting them to tolerate the bad mood because something went wrong.
example, doing a work badly because it’s already has some mistakes and it’s convenient to not fix it.

but sometimes life is more than just in waves, it feels like a freaking tsunami instead.
there are moments where everything just all goes wrong at the same moment.
these are times when it’s no surfing condition,
i just crash and flail around in the choppy waters.

then there are normal days when out of the blue
my brain just fails me and i totally forget how to surf properly,
and i drop into the waters anyway.
there are also times when i’m tired and don’t feel like trying.
therefore it’ll help a lot if i can learn to ‘surf’ properly.

i think that it’s good to not take  bad days personally and can instead take responsibility in the response.

what is it really?

people say an ugly truth is better than beautiful lies.

however in reality, what i receive or even what i give, nothing is completely unmasked.
it’s usually laced with a design that matches outfits.
beautiful yet potentially lethal.

so when people speak to me,
it feels like i have to pick it apart then put the pieces back together to identify what it really is.
some puzzles are simple but some are like thousand pieces.

when intentions and messages get so complicated,
i don’t know if i should see it as an encrypted truth or simply a lie.

not so good

i feel that my actions, my words, my tone, my body language these days,
they don’t quite seem to come out right.

i’m battling to keep myself in character because i keep slipping out of it.
i feel tired mentally and emotionally. but im not down yet.

Passenger – Let Her Go , strikes a chord in me.

“Let Her Go”

Well you only need the light when it’s burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow
Only know you love her when you let her go

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low
Only hate the road when you’re missin’ home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

Staring at the bottom of your glass
Hoping one day you’ll make a dream last
But dreams come slow and they go so fast

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you’ll understand why
Everything you touch surely dies

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
‘Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast

Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
‘Cause you loved her too much
And you dived too deep

i play the devil's advocate.

From wiki :

‘In common parlance, a devil’s advocate is someone who, given a certain argument, takes a position he or she does not necessarily agree with, for the sake of debate. In taking this position, the individual taking on the devil’s advocate role seeks to engage others in an argumentative discussion process. The purpose of such process is typically to test the quality of the original argument and identify weaknesses in its structure, and to use such information to either improve or abandon the original, opposing position. It can also refer to someone who takes a stance that is seen as unpopular or unconventional, but is actually another way of arguing a much more conventional stance.’

when i argue or offer a certain opinion, it gives me a certain sense of safety that i’m able to view something in more perspectives. as stated above, that doesn’t necessarily mean i agree. i’m just trying to get a clearer understanding on a matter. then again, sometimes i allow too many sides to a story that i can’t decide which to agree with. 

G.K. Chesterton – “Do not be so open-minded that your brains fall out.”

alright, noted.

trying to keep my skull balanced in good angles.
it is important to have general sense of direction based on one’s own moral compass for most things. but people tend to get stuff hay-wired when they’re not feeling well or just twitching. that happens.