i fumble as i muse

Themselves over you

More often than not, people consider more of how you will fit in their grand scheme instead of what you are actually saying. Which means, irregardless of what you are saying or even who you are, it doesnt even matter. Generally people will always choose themselves over you, and it is especially evident when they have to choose, in the smallest ways. I can’t deny I’m not like this either. Just human nature I guess. 

Feeling just a little resigned

Last night, i dreamt that there was a news from governent that they will be calculating how much time we have left to live. The calculation was based on things you do on personal levels instead of legal level, things that you never thought they knew. It was almost as casual as turning up for an appointment date ‘cept you cease to exist after which. My due date to die was 31 days. But that was considerably optimistic because everyone else’s was about 1 week’s time. And everyone started to get busy about wrapping up their lives, say their last words to people they havent seen in awhile. It felt like an ethnic cleansing, except not just certain ethnics but everyone. Then i got angry and wondered why is no one revolting. I went around trying to convince people but no one seemed to understand what i was talking about. They were all so busy with preparing for their last days. Somehow, my due date got recalculated again, with a list of my sins and it shorted to 3 days more. I kept wondering why people wouldnt fight and try to go against a higher authority, even to the point of death. The whole dream left me feeling very hopeless.

I feel rather resigned about people right now too, to be honest. People would throw you under the bus if it means protecting themselves. At the end of the day, everyone dies alone due to selfishness. Lol. 

Last comes before First

Today is my last day of work, and tomorrow will be my first day of work at another team. I’m doing an internal transfer and generally I feel glad about it because this is something that I want and looking forward to. As prepped by my new manager, ‘This process should be seamless to you. No action required from you at this point. Your current manager and I will handle everything’, and it sure is seamless. So much that it has already been decided on my behalf that I will start the very next day, even if it means 1 working day left for this week on the day that I will be starting. I mean, is it odd or is it just me? Because ideally, you would want to bring someone new in start of week right? It reduces the chances of people wondering for a moment why is there a strange girl at that corner and going oh yeahhhhhh. I’m afraid of awkwardness and awkward is when people forget me over the long weekend. Yeah, there’s a public holiday on Friday which means long weekends! (And also an off day on payroll so….not complaining hee). 

I know that it’s not the most uncommon occurance..people start work immediately, it happens. But having your last day of work and first day of work in a singular week -not to mention back to back- it’s kinda daunting. 

I barely slept 3.5 hours last night therefore am completely uncoordinated the entire day. I kept dropping pens, staring into blank space and my brain simply mistook its identity as a snail. Reason being, I really wanted to have a nice closure and farewell from my current team. Hence, sketching mini versions of my colleagues as cards and packaging candies, at 3 am! On a weekDAY. #badass. 

Well, one could argue that I could have done it over the weekend beforehand but well, I’m just too good at procrastinating.

One more thing about me, I’m also an introvert and occasionally anti-social. That means an influx of conversation topics on the farewell can stress me out a little bit. Not to mention first days of work are generally stressful for anyone. 

On a more positive note, I think I’ll definitely miss the team/ fresh batch into the list of ex-colleagues. Moments are so fleeting! (Ha, reference from my previous post) Work has been rather enjoyable, I don’t hate it (phew! – actually, I love it), and have been doing it everyday since this year started. Just like how one is used to a morning routine, one will feel uneasy and even a sense of loss when forced to change to a completely new routine. 

Anyway! Brand new start, fresh chapter of my life here I come. The pages have been flipped and the last sentences of the current chapter has been penned down. Time to look forward and embrace whatever comes. For better or for worse, one thing is for sure and it’s that I am moving forward and I will grow. 

‘This too shall pass’ 

Moments are so fleeting. Or in an indie translation: ‘This too shall pass’. 

I’m not sure if i’m pro or anti towards the fleetingness of life. I swear, ‘This too shall pass’ is mainly meant for moments when life throws lemons and you know that it will stop sooner or later. Because on a double standard, when life is all rosy, you’ll want to just hoard the roses. During a moment when you wish time stands still, the sobering reminder ‘This too shall pass’, will be the last thing on your mind. Realistically, life only works this way, the theory that everything will come and pass, and roses wilt inevitably. Just as horrible events eventually pass, same goes for beautiful moments which fade away as if they never happened. I guess the only place that moments can live forever, is in your heart where they may be etched. 

Hence everytime I come back to this writing space, I wish I had put in more dedication inscribing my emotions and thoughts. Or anywhere in fact. e.g my futile attempts to write consistently on paper. 

My memory is really bad. For times that I know for a fact that my boyfriend tends to go out of his way to make me smile, I just find it hard to think of specific examples. My mind simply analyzes, summarizes and allocates. Then, that memory becomes a flat nugget of information/biodata. It’s hard for me to recreate an experience in my mind for reminscing because Error 404: Details not found. 

And I really dislike how my own brain is being annoying and trimming off the pretty details. Hence by jotting down, at least more memory might be preserved. A picture is worth a thousand words. But doing it the other way round, by using a thousand words to paint a picture is not as easy breezy. Please don’t be mistaken, I’m no full time poet and am a regular metropolitan human aka selfie/instaworthy food/scenery/cute animals hoarder. Which means sieving through thousands of photos is not easy either. 

Maybe my future self will discover the art of exponential memory (be it physically, or biologically or electronically) which will mean mocking the current me for being so noob. This post might as well be named as ‘Chloe and her Messy Brain’ or ‘How to be Disorganized in Life’. 

As much as I try, this general feeling of life slipping past causes me insecurities and anxiety. I feel that I need to adjust my gearing in perspective before I miss out on anymore. Which beg these questions: Am I leading life looking at the rear view mirror? How much time should one spend documenting their life and actually living it? Should I start taking up memory classes? 


It starts with a dull ache in your chest that intensifies in ebbs and flows. Your mind is drowning in the pain and your heart feels it too. The corner of your lips moves downwards, turning what used to form a smile upside down. As if it cannot be contained, it surfaces up, you start to feel choked. That’s how tears start rolling down and you’ll barely realize it. 


My dad used to send me to school when we newly shifted because it had became a very long journey for me to attend classes. One early morning, we were taking the lift down and someone with a cigarette came in, refusing to stub it out. My dad is also one who smokes but at that moment, he went all rage mode on that middle aged man for the second hand smoke. His vocabulary were, uhm, very protective. And of course that guy hurriedly stubbed it out. My dad can be quite intimidating but rarely to us. Anyway, I recall this because two days ago I bumped into that man who brought the smoke into the lift. That man is still staying here after 8 years but not anymore for my dad. I see my dad here and there on occasions but not on daily basis now. I miss being my dad’s little girl

the bitter, bittersweet and.. the sweeet

Things were so rosy when I last talked about it. The past 5 months feel so short and so long at the same time. 5 months ago was the last time me and Nicholas held each other before he left for UK again. Distance has taken such a toll on us. Words and intentions got warped, misunderstanding only piled up. More often than not, it feels like we’re drowning and also drifting apart. In this weird space of jaded endurance of distance and bated breath for his return, I’m learning just how bittersweet love can be. 

Once I brought up my relationship with my mum, and she jokingly suggested we should just break up since we argue so much. Can’t say it never crossed my mind. But she also added that as long as the arguments decrease from more to less, it’s a better sign than it growing from less to more and more arguments. It’s comforting to hear a decelerating rate is better than an accelerating rate. And decelerating means it needs to starts somewhere high before it goes down right?  

So that’s the bitter part. Bitter can be so unbearable.

Bittersweet are those moments where we reach hard towards each other. When we need to speak out truths especially when it’s hard, to hear each other out when it’s painful. Sometimes it’s hard even just to say something. Times where we need to make apologies that are hard. Times where we hurt, and also the hurt from knowing how much we have hurt the other person in the process.

The sweet part is being reminded of what a great person I have fallen in love with. Fun, is an understatement when I think of what we can do together when he comes back. He feels like home, and him coming back means that I’m also coming home to him. I have already got tickets for musuems, parks, and not excluding our air ticket for Taiwan. (Maybe that’s why we can’t break up,ha.) I almost forgot how much I enjoy talking about anything under the sun with him and simply feeling at ease in each other’s presence.

In hindsight, it’s a great feat that we made it. We haven’t gave up when it was much easier to. And the reward of still having each other, makes all the pain worthwhile. Happy 9 months darling. 


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