i fumble as i muse


It starts with a dull ache in your chest that intensifies in ebbs and flows. Your mind is drowning in the pain and your heart feels it too. The corner of your lips moves downwards, turning what used to form a smile upside down. As if it cannot be contained, it surfaces up, you start to feel choked. That’s how tears start rolling down and you’ll barely realize it. 


My dad used to send me to school when we newly shifted because it had became a very long journey for me to attend classes. One early morning, we were taking the lift down and someone with a cigarette came in, refusing to stub it out. My dad is also one who smokes but at that moment, he went all rage mode on that middle aged man for the second hand smoke. His vocabulary were, uhm, very protective. And of course that guy hurriedly stubbed it out. My dad can be quite intimidating but rarely to us. Anyway, I recall this because two days ago I bumped into that man who brought the smoke into the lift. That man is still staying here after 8 years but not anymore for my dad. I see my dad here and there on occasions but not on daily basis now. I miss being my dad’s little girl

the bitter, bittersweet and.. the sweeet

Things were so rosy when I last talked about it. The past 5 months feel so short and so long at the same time. 5 months ago was the last time me and Nicholas held each other before he left for UK again. Distance has taken such a toll on us. Words and intentions got warped, misunderstanding only piled up. More often than not, it feels like we’re drowning and also drifting apart. In this weird space of jaded endurance of distance and bated breath for his return, I’m learning just how bittersweet love can be. 

Once I brought up my relationship with my mum, and she jokingly suggested we should just break up since we argue so much. Can’t say it never crossed my mind. But she also added that as long as the arguments decrease from more to less, it’s a better sign than it growing from less to more and more arguments. It’s comforting to hear a decelerating rate is better than an accelerating rate. And decelerating means it needs to starts somewhere high before it goes down right?  

So that’s the bitter part. Bitter can be so unbearable.

Bittersweet are those moments where we reach hard towards each other. When we need to speak out truths especially when it’s hard, to hear each other out when it’s painful. Sometimes it’s hard even just to say something. Times where we need to make apologies that are hard. Times where we hurt, and also the hurt from knowing how much we have hurt the other person in the process.

The sweet part is being reminded of what a great person I have fallen in love with. Fun, is an understatement when I think of what we can do together when he comes back. He feels like home, and him coming back means that I’m also coming home to him. I have already got tickets for musuems, parks, and not excluding our air ticket for Taiwan. (Maybe that’s why we can’t break up,ha.) I almost forgot how much I enjoy talking about anything under the sun with him and simply feeling at ease in each other’s presence.

In hindsight, it’s a great feat that we made it. We haven’t gave up when it was much easier to. And the reward of still having each other, makes all the pain worthwhile. Happy 9 months darling. 


Today is a public holiday which makes yesterday an equivalent of TGIF, am i doing the maths right?
I had intentions to punctuate my work week and start the long weekend with a night out, drinks and all.
I went home first for delicious home cooked dinner, and it ain’t hard to guess that I didn’t want to step out again.
With the work-hard-party-hard plan out of the window, I thought that I could catch up on the things I didn’t manage to get to during the weekdays and simply unwind.

Long story short, I didn’t even manage to get to that. I ended up dozing off on the couch after a nice heavy meal. Before I fell into my 2 hour slumber, I vaguely remembered that I was inching my body position from a sitting position into a lying foetal position while watching Good Mythical Morning on my iPad. No form of resistance while I was in that conducive state. Got a cushion under my head and off I went. All I can say is that it has been a long tiring week. The thing is, I can’t go to sleep without showering, but I also didn’t have enough energy to shower. See the pickle that I was caught in?

It’s currently 2am after sobering up to some newly charged energy sufficient for me to take a shower.
I think I might have just redefined my own TGIF. It involves some food, some shows, some sleep and location is home.
This isn’t the first time too. Once or twice before, my way of celebrating the weekend involves getting a McSpicy meal with some good ol coke and fries, couching with something I like be it books or some shows, and procrastinating shower for way too long.

What is carthasis? 

It’s not just writer’s block. It’s carthasis. Carthasis, is an ugly word. Carthasis is also the process of outpouring from strong, repressed emotions. According to psychoanalytical theories, this emotional release is linked to a need to relief unconscious conflicts citing stress over work related situations which can cause feelings of frustration and tension. I recently learnt of this word from a friend who studied pyschology. She dropped this word in a normal sentence like “Oh, you just really need some carthasis.” like it’s your everyday vocabulary. And after i understood that word, i went ‘yeah yeah! that’s me!!! I need some of that carthasis!’ 

My previous entry here was about prepping mentally for my new job. This current entry is just a continuation of that. I wish there was a more exciting reason why I dont have time to write here, like my life got oh so happening but it’s really just the contrary. For the past 2 months, i was just trying to be the best sponge i can be. Absorbing and learning every single day. It’s fulfilling, challenging and great but.. I have zero energy left when i reach home. I’m not complaining though. I just learnt my human limits. 

All these while, i have been quick to retreat into my comfort zone the moment i reach home. I left my brains in the office and i dont have a single shred of urgency much less be task driven etc etc. Basically from a sponge at work, i transform into a couch potato at home. Since work started, i feel like i dont have an ounce of energy nor motivation in me to do anything productive. Nonetheless my list of personal maintenance aka my sanity, only keeps growing and piling and piling… Things that keep me sane includes reading and writing. I have all these thoughts i want to get out, and all these emotions i want to validate and release. 

This is where carthasis comes in. Carthasis is basically a release for emotions and I’m going to use pooping as an analogy. Imagine if one doesnt poop for a long time, it’s just going to end up really bad, right? With those toxins built up inside, it feels horrible. And that’s how i feel. I feel… emotionally constipated. 

Gotta fix my body clock for work

My new job’s waiting for me tomorrow and i feel compelled to remind myself all over again of what i constantly feel about working.
The main part about being chronically tired is definitely my favorite. That includes the daily routine of waking up at 7am including 1 hour of travel so that i can roll into office at plus minus 9am. Usually plus.
I am not a morning person which means it is no easy feat. Currently i’m in my natural habitat with my absurd body clock. Some people might think of it as bumming around, which isnt incorrect either, but i’d prefer to view it as one good solid month of relax and rest. The above mentioned 7am that i have to wake up from tomorrow onwards, is the same 7am that i have been going to bed at. Just aiming to sleep before the sun rises. Need lots of luck tuning my body clock back.
I wonder how it became like this, maybe everyone needs 30 hours a day : 20/10, awake/asleep ratio, or vice versa. Turns out when you are couch potatoing, it doesnt spend too much energy and you can stay up longer. And it feels good, to do whatever i want, whenever i want. List of things accomplished includes TV series marathon, iphone game apps binge, attempts at reading books, not to forget tons of eating and sleeping.
There’s this chinese saying that goes: lazy people pee and poop a lot, which aptly describes my current state of 懒人屎尿多. I aint ashamed. Sometimes work gets so busy there isnt even time to use the loo! I appreciate my liberty to drink as much water as i wish and head to the toilet as many times i like. Ah, simple joys in life.
I managed to spend much more time with my family. My dark circles are not as dark anymore and i dont feel like death everytime i wake up now. Been hopping from banks to banks since 2 years ago without much breaks in between. This is the longest break since and i’m obviously liking it too much. What’s not to like when everyday feels like a weekend and there is not even a need for TGIF. I’m really excited for the new office tomorrow too, it was that ideal one i wanted amidst all the interviews i went for. But, I dont live to work, i work to live.


My humble opinion of Fifty Shades of Grey

I’ve never read the book, and the movie isn’t out yet. Maybe that’s why I don’t understand why can’t it be 50 shades instead of being all troublesome and spelt out as F-i-f-t-y. But I know enough that it is essentially porn and specifically about BDSM. (with sprinkles of romance and some sort of story line?)
Now, I’m going to sound like a grandma but Hollywood has done enough in moulding the highly sexual culture for what it is today.
With humps and junks on vevo YouTube channels as common as birds in the sky, private parts are no longer as private being that there’s really not much room left for imagination. Its safe to say that we are now more desensitized or even having a false sense of entitlement when it comes to our romantic partners. Simply put, all these media exposure has a huge role to play in dehumanizing sexuality.
I was perfectly fine with the discreet black and white porn that people carry everywhere. I heard some books has the ability to make stories come alive and taking you through it, and thankfully Fifty Shades of Grey is not likely to be prone to this syndrome. Everyone needs their dosage of lack-luster erotic reading, I get it.
What I’m apprehensive about is the potential backlash of this film adaptation. Visuals and sounds are very powerful tools. Not to mention the worldwide audience involved.
Anyway, I was watching the trailer yesterday with an open mind and a sense of curiosity, thinking perhaps I will see the good reason for this sensation. Maybe I will finally discover why on earth does grey color need so many shades.
It started with how a pretty girl and a handsome man meets, following with the way they fall in love which at this point I was quite appealed and I was lapping it all up. I mean, the office building looks grand! Not to mention a beautiful orange lighting, timely zoom-ins on those stunning eyes, so on and so forth. Then, it finally flashed in, a sex scene, sort of. All I saw was her hands tied, sweat dripping, heavy breathing. Of course, it’s BDSM! It’s only the key personality of Mr Grey. What else should I be expecting, silly goose. And then,I felt so confused. Even that looked so glamorous, with a hint of painful desire, tingling curiosity and hesitance. It all felt too realistic for me. It’s not because I was ashamed for being appealed to that experience. But the fact that, anyone would. Why not experiment it in real life, right? It suddenly looks so sexy and adventurous.

Thanks for easing this extreme concept into a seemingly romantic flick, categorized under Drama and Romance on IMDB.
I get that Fifty Shades of Grey is a popular fiction and it’s understandable that Universal Pictures wishes to cruise on its success/popularity. No matter how tormented Christian Grey might play out to be, this film has inevitably romanticized BDSM and made it out to be so glamorous.
At the rate it is going, it is bordering on intrusive. I can google that shit up when I feel like it,instead of having it being shoved in my face. Have I mentioned that I actually stumbled upon the trailer of Fifty Shades of Grey while I was watching other YouTube videos? Intrusive.
I feel rather unsettled and bothered that this is going to be a movie in my neighborhood cinema. Even if it is going to be rated, a 7 year old is probably going to ask why is it so popular and what it is about. It’s like Miley Cryus trying to encrypt ecstasy as Molly. Come on who are we trying to kid. Do we really need such awareness? There’re enough traumatic news going around in real life and that’s already inevitable.
Call me naive but I just don’t think it’s ethical to broadcast such a subjective and controversial topic. Just because they can, doesn’t mean they should.

‘Mr Grey will see you now’ ?
No, thank you.


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