chloe.peh

i fumble as i muse

2015 takeaway

I think I had a moment of epiphany. So here it is. 

In a blink of an eye, it’s almost the end of Jan 2016. At this point, I am able to conclude some of the things I took away from 2015. 

1. Thou shall not over internalize. 

Bad shit just happens. Good shit just happens too. I know that because, sometimes as much as I try to control things to go smoothly with all my means, something just has to screw up unexpectedly. Likewise how nice events occur unexpectedly, without me even trying (not complaining). I realize I’d been having an over estimated sense of control.  We can control what we can. But sometimes it’s better for one’s sanity by taking a small step back and let life roll out. I am not going to take every damn thing so personally anymore, as everyone knows –  life can be a bitch. 

2. Venting outlets are important

Due to contraint of time and energy, I found myself not being able to express my thoughts and emotions as I normally prefer. For most of last year, work got too busy for me to do what I usually like to do, such as penning down my thoughts or catching up with my support pillars or simply reading a book and sipping tea, etc. Prolonged periods of overworking, and I found myself being burnt out. That’s when I realize that no matter how life busy gets, I still need to find some time to take care of myself – emotionally and mentally. It’s important to find ways for carthasis, even if you have to get creative. 
3. Excuses dont save you

On the note of taking care of myself, further emphasis that nobody is going to do that job for me. Not even excuses. If I am caught in a tough situation with odds stacked up against me, how much can I blame, before I want to do something about it. As legit as the adversities are, am I going to allow myself be consumed by negativities? If I do that, then the obstacles are actually just a convenient excuse. Sometimes I think to myself, I just don’t have enough energy, or I’m not mentally prepared, or it can simply wait. But am I really okay to miss out on what I set out to do due to those reasons? Will I really get started when those reasons have passed and become invalid e.g when I do have enough energy for it? Or is it just procrastination?  Occasionally you get help from people and that’s a blessing in life. Friends who come around and help you feel better, add some perspectives, remind you, to add to the push factor. At the end of the day, only I can decide for myself when and how I want to get to places. 

4. Many things in life are subjective, especially opinions. 

Just take for example how you have a certain impression of someone and one fine day they do something that you don’t quite expect, something that doesnt fit your perceived profile of them. And you simply go, ‘Oh? I see’. Similarly, what the people around me have on me, is simply an impression. I portray what I want people to see. I find myself getting overly concerned about people’s opinions, asking myself if it is weird if I say this, or do that. Am i being out of character? Late last year, I tried shifting focus on what I want to say and do instead. People may be expecting me to behave in a certain manner, but it is certainly liberating to not give a shit to that. Life is too short to care about finicky nonsense. 

5. It’s never too late to start

Better late than never. Less is better than nothing at all. I’m trying not to be afraid to face my mistakes and change my direction. So all these while I might have been doing something incorrectly, followed by being embroiled in self blame- asking why didn’t I think of this earlier, look at the could have beens, yada yada, spiralling downwards. I want to take a step back, and admit to myself that yes, it is a mistake. Thing is, mistakes are a natural part of life. You are always moving forward – if you don’t err, you don’t grow. I am not perfect and will never be, and learning to accept that it is okay. Once I embrace that, it is easier to let down my pride and actually get down to taking the necessary actions for the better. 

2015 hasn’t exactly been easy. But I held on, gritted my teeth and tided through the ups and down. Truly, it is how you handle adversities, not how it affects you.

    Quote from my current favorite TV series

    Well then get your shit together.Get it all together. And put it in a backpack. 

    All your shit. So it’s together. 

    And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know, take it to the shit store and sell it, or put it in a shit museum, I don’t care what you do, you just gotta get it together.

    Get your shit together.

    😂

    I just thought

    Those who mind dont matter and those who matter dont mind. 

    It’s not everytime that we can use a standard measurement to gauge what is right or wrong. But perhaps it is specifically in wholely subjective situations that people exert their personal judgement calls, because there is no absolute right and wrong. 

    Just a thought :) 

    Themselves over you

    More often than not, people consider more of how you will fit in their grand scheme instead of what you are actually saying. Which means, irregardless of what you are saying or even who you are, it doesnt even matter. Generally people will always choose themselves over you, and it is especially evident when they have to choose, in the smallest ways. I can’t deny I’m not like this either. Just human nature I guess. 

    Feeling just a little resigned

    Last night, i dreamt that there was a news from governent that they will be calculating how much time we have left to live. The calculation was based on things you do on personal levels instead of legal level, things that you never thought they knew. It was almost as casual as turning up for an appointment date ‘cept you cease to exist after which. My due date to die was 31 days. But that was considerably optimistic because everyone else’s was about 1 week’s time. And everyone started to get busy about wrapping up their lives, say their last words to people they havent seen in awhile. It felt like an ethnic cleansing, except not just certain ethnics but everyone. Then i got angry and wondered why is no one revolting. I went around trying to convince people but no one seemed to understand what i was talking about. They were all so busy with preparing for their last days. Somehow, my due date got recalculated again, with a list of my sins and it shorted to 3 days more. I kept wondering why people wouldnt fight and try to go against a higher authority, even to the point of death. The whole dream left me feeling very hopeless.

    I feel rather resigned about people right now too, to be honest. People would throw you under the bus if it means protecting themselves. At the end of the day, everyone dies alone due to selfishness. Lol. 

    Last comes before First

    Today is my last day of work, and tomorrow will be my first day of work at another team. I’m doing an internal transfer and generally I feel glad about it because this is something that I want and looking forward to. As prepped by my new manager, ‘This process should be seamless to you. No action required from you at this point. Your current manager and I will handle everything’, and it sure is seamless. So much that it has already been decided on my behalf that I will start the very next day, even if it means 1 working day left for this week on the day that I will be starting. I mean, is it odd or is it just me? Because ideally, you would want to bring someone new in start of week right? It reduces the chances of people wondering for a moment why is there a strange girl at that corner and going oh yeahhhhhh. I’m afraid of awkwardness and awkward is when people forget me over the long weekend. Yeah, there’s a public holiday on Friday which means long weekends! (And also an off day on payroll so….not complaining hee). 

    I know that it’s not the most uncommon occurance..people start work immediately, it happens. But having your last day of work and first day of work in a singular week -not to mention back to back- it’s kinda daunting. 

    I barely slept 3.5 hours last night therefore am completely uncoordinated the entire day. I kept dropping pens, staring into blank space and my brain simply mistook its identity as a snail. Reason being, I really wanted to have a nice closure and farewell from my current team. Hence, sketching mini versions of my colleagues as cards and packaging candies, at 3 am! On a weekDAY. #badass. 

    Well, one could argue that I could have done it over the weekend beforehand but well, I’m just too good at procrastinating.

    One more thing about me, I’m also an introvert and occasionally anti-social. That means an influx of conversation topics on the farewell can stress me out a little bit. Not to mention first days of work are generally stressful for anyone. 

    On a more positive note, I think I’ll definitely miss the team/ fresh batch into the list of ex-colleagues. Moments are so fleeting! (Ha, reference from my previous post) Work has been rather enjoyable, I don’t hate it (phew! – actually, I love it), and have been doing it everyday since this year started. Just like how one is used to a morning routine, one will feel uneasy and even a sense of loss when forced to change to a completely new routine. 

    Anyway! Brand new start, fresh chapter of my life here I come. The pages have been flipped and the last sentences of the current chapter has been penned down. Time to look forward and embrace whatever comes. For better or for worse, one thing is for sure and it’s that I am moving forward and I will grow. 

    ‘This too shall pass’ 

    Moments are so fleeting. Or in an indie translation: ‘This too shall pass’. 

    I’m not sure if i’m pro or anti towards the fleetingness of life. I swear, ‘This too shall pass’ is mainly meant for moments when life throws lemons and you know that it will stop sooner or later. Because on a double standard, when life is all rosy, you’ll want to just hoard the roses. During a moment when you wish time stands still, the sobering reminder ‘This too shall pass’, will be the last thing on your mind. Realistically, life only works this way, the theory that everything will come and pass, and roses wilt inevitably. Just as horrible events eventually pass, same goes for beautiful moments which fade away as if they never happened. I guess the only place that moments can live forever, is in your heart where they may be etched. 

    Hence everytime I come back to this writing space, I wish I had put in more dedication inscribing my emotions and thoughts. Or anywhere in fact. e.g my futile attempts to write consistently on paper. 

    My memory is really bad. For times that I know for a fact that my boyfriend tends to go out of his way to make me smile, I just find it hard to think of specific examples. My mind simply analyzes, summarizes and allocates. Then, that memory becomes a flat nugget of information/biodata. It’s hard for me to recreate an experience in my mind for reminscing because Error 404: Details not found. 

    And I really dislike how my own brain is being annoying and trimming off the pretty details. Hence by jotting down, at least more memory might be preserved. A picture is worth a thousand words. But doing it the other way round, by using a thousand words to paint a picture is not as easy breezy. Please don’t be mistaken, I’m no full time poet and am a regular metropolitan human aka selfie/instaworthy food/scenery/cute animals hoarder. Which means sieving through thousands of photos is not easy either. 

    Maybe my future self will discover the art of exponential memory (be it physically, or biologically or electronically) which will mean mocking the current me for being so noob. This post might as well be named as ‘Chloe and her Messy Brain’ or ‘How to be Disorganized in Life’. 

    As much as I try, this general feeling of life slipping past causes me insecurities and anxiety. I feel that I need to adjust my gearing in perspective before I miss out on anymore. Which beg these questions: Am I leading life looking at the rear view mirror? How much time should one spend documenting their life and actually living it? Should I start taking up memory classes? 

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