i fumble as i muse

What is carthasis? 

It’s not just writer’s block. It’s carthasis. Carthasis, is an ugly word. Carthasis is also the process of outpouring from strong, repressed emotions. According to psychoanalytical theories, this emotional release is linked to a need to relief unconscious conflicts citing stress over work related situations which can cause feelings of frustration and tension. I recently learnt of this word from a friend who studied pyschology. She dropped this word in a normal sentence like “Oh, you just really need some carthasis.” like it’s your everyday vocabulary. And after i understood that word, i went ‘yeah yeah! that’s me!!! I need some of that carthasis!’ 

My previous entry here was about prepping mentally for my new job. This current entry is just a continuation of that. I wish there was a more exciting reason why I dont have time to write here, like my life got oh so happening but it’s really just the contrary. For the past 2 months, i was just trying to be the best sponge i can be. Absorbing and learning every single day. It’s fulfilling, challenging and great but.. I have zero energy left when i reach home. I’m not complaining though. I just learnt my human limits. 

All these while, i have been quick to retreat into my comfort zone the moment i reach home. I left my brains in the office and i dont have a single shred of urgency much less be task driven etc etc. Basically from a sponge at work, i transform into a couch potato at home. Since work started, i feel like i dont have an ounce of energy nor motivation in me to do anything productive. Nonetheless my list of personal maintenance aka my sanity, only keeps growing and piling and piling… Things that keep me sane includes reading and writing. I have all these thoughts i want to get out, and all these emotions i want to validate and release. 

This is where carthasis comes in. Carthasis is basically a release for emotions and I’m going to use pooping as an analogy. Imagine if one doesnt poop for a long time, it’s just going to end up really bad, right? With those toxins built up inside, it feels horrible. And that’s how i feel. I feel… emotionally constipated. 

Gotta fix my body clock for work

My new job’s waiting for me tomorrow and i feel compelled to remind myself all over again of what i constantly feel about working.
The main part about being chronically tired is definitely my favorite. That includes the daily routine of waking up at 7am including 1 hour of travel so that i can roll into office at plus minus 9am. Usually plus.
I am not a morning person which means it is no easy feat. Currently i’m in my natural habitat with my absurd body clock. Some people might think of it as bumming around, which isnt incorrect either, but i’d prefer to view it as one good solid month of relax and rest. The above mentioned 7am that i have to wake up from tomorrow onwards, is the same 7am that i have been going to bed at. Just aiming to sleep before the sun rises. Need lots of luck tuning my body clock back.
I wonder how it became like this, maybe everyone needs 30 hours a day : 20/10, awake/asleep ratio, or vice versa. Turns out when you are couch potatoing, it doesnt spend too much energy and you can stay up longer. And it feels good, to do whatever i want, whenever i want. List of things accomplished includes TV series marathon, iphone game apps binge, attempts at reading books, not to forget tons of eating and sleeping.
There’s this chinese saying that goes: lazy people pee and poop a lot, which aptly describes my current state of 懒人屎尿多. I aint ashamed. Sometimes work gets so busy there isnt even time to use the loo! I appreciate my liberty to drink as much water as i wish and head to the toilet as many times i like. Ah, simple joys in life.
I managed to spend much more time with my family. My dark circles are not as dark anymore and i dont feel like death everytime i wake up now. Been hopping from banks to banks since 2 years ago without much breaks in between. This is the longest break since and i’m obviously liking it too much. What’s not to like when everyday feels like a weekend and there is not even a need for TGIF. I’m really excited for the new office tomorrow too, it was that ideal one i wanted amidst all the interviews i went for. But, I dont live to work, i work to live.


My humble opinion of Fifty Shades of Grey

I’ve never read the book, and the movie isn’t out yet. Maybe that’s why I don’t understand why can’t it be 50 shades instead of being all troublesome and spelt out as F-i-f-t-y. But I know enough that it is essentially porn and specifically about BDSM. (with sprinkles of romance and some sort of story line?)
Now, I’m going to sound like a grandma but Hollywood has done enough in moulding the highly sexual culture for what it is today.
With humps and junks on vevo YouTube channels as common as birds in the sky, private parts are no longer as private being that there’s really not much room left for imagination. Its safe to say that we are now more desensitized or even having a false sense of entitlement when it comes to our romantic partners. Simply put, all these media exposure has a huge role to play in dehumanizing sexuality.
I was perfectly fine with the discreet black and white porn that people carry everywhere. I heard some books has the ability to make stories come alive and taking you through it, and thankfully Fifty Shades of Grey is not likely to be prone to this syndrome. Everyone needs their dosage of lack-luster erotic reading, I get it.
What I’m apprehensive about is the potential backlash of this film adaptation. Visuals and sounds are very powerful tools. Not to mention the worldwide audience involved.
Anyway, I was watching the trailer yesterday with an open mind and a sense of curiosity, thinking perhaps I will see the good reason for this sensation. Maybe I will finally discover why on earth does grey color need so many shades.
It started with how a pretty girl and a handsome man meets, following with the way they fall in love which at this point I was quite appealed and I was lapping it all up. I mean, the office building looks grand! Not to mention a beautiful orange lighting, timely zoom-ins on those stunning eyes, so on and so forth. Then, it finally flashed in, a sex scene, sort of. All I saw was her hands tied, sweat dripping, heavy breathing. Of course, it’s BDSM! It’s only the key personality of Mr Grey. What else should I be expecting, silly goose. And then,I felt so confused. Even that looked so glamorous, with a hint of painful desire, tingling curiosity and hesitance. It all felt too realistic for me. It’s not because I was ashamed for being appealed to that experience. But the fact that, anyone would. Why not experiment it in real life, right? It suddenly looks so sexy and adventurous.

Thanks for easing this extreme concept into a seemingly romantic flick, categorized under Drama and Romance on IMDB.
I get that Fifty Shades of Grey is a popular fiction and it’s understandable that Universal Pictures wishes to cruise on its success/popularity. No matter how tormented Christian Grey might play out to be, this film has inevitably romanticized BDSM and made it out to be so glamorous.
At the rate it is going, it is bordering on intrusive. I can google that shit up when I feel like it,instead of having it being shoved in my face. Have I mentioned that I actually stumbled upon the trailer of Fifty Shades of Grey while I was watching other YouTube videos? Intrusive.
I feel rather unsettled and bothered that this is going to be a movie in my neighborhood cinema. Even if it is going to be rated, a 7 year old is probably going to ask why is it so popular and what it is about. It’s like Miley Cryus trying to encrypt ecstasy as Molly. Come on who are we trying to kid. Do we really need such awareness? There’re enough traumatic news going around in real life and that’s already inevitable.
Call me naive but I just don’t think it’s ethical to broadcast such a subjective and controversial topic. Just because they can, doesn’t mean they should.

‘Mr Grey will see you now’ ?
No, thank you.

My Shining Star

People should fall in love with their eyes closed
– Andy Warhol

Here i am, (three long) months without his tangible presence beside me,
and finally anticipating the return of my sweetheart in a matter of (three!!) days.

The entire course felt like falling in love with my eyes closed, really.
Embracing all that i can reach out for, through a thick fog-like barrier,
surely feels similar to a blindness awareness in, having my eyes closed.
i’ve got nothing much to rely on except tuning in to
to my whiny, panicky, erratic, heart in this long distance.
The substance of this relationship is our best shot at holding everything together.

Another quote,
(not to be confused with the earlier one having to close your eyes,)

The darker the night, the brighter the stars.
– F.D.

And our stars, are really beautiful as they shine.
I wouldn’t mind staring at them all night.
However, there are times when the sky feels too dark to handle,
and sometimes it’s because the stars get veiled by black clouds.

The dark and bittersweet moments are when
i would give anything, to just hold his hands, or look at his face.
Skype calls can only do so much ’cause the video quality is
not good enough for me to count the number of his ridiculously
long curly lashes as i stare into his eyes.

All these said, now i’m just too contented
with the fact that Nich will be right by my side soon. Yey. c:

I have tons of simple loopy things to do with him and here are just a few:
(Sorry honey, but you are automatically on board with me on this)

1.Let’s grab a spoon and dig into a half cut watermelon.
Watermelon rind can double as a bowl or a funky cap, yes?

2.Do unnecessary grocery/snacks midnight shopping at our Admiralty MRT station.

3.Play Soda Crush on each other’s phone. Candy Crush is so passe.

4. Mainstream restaurants hopping, because we’re too lazy for indie style cafe hunting and hopping.

All these little things on top of Nich’s birthday celebration,
and there’s Christmas, then New Year’s countdown.
So glad he is back for this season. Tis gon be a Merry Merry Christmas ho ho ho!

Newton’s First Law

As I’m slowing down my life,
I stopped chasing highs after another,
and realized I was actually the one running away
from a luggage which only grew larger as I go.
By inertia, I found myself face to face with my past and demons.

Am planning to take the opportunity to take them on once and for all.

If I could embed a song old school style like customized blogspots or blogdrives,
my song for this post would be:
Habits (Stay High) – Tove Lo, Hippie Sabotage Remix

heart rest

Sleep is one common form of rest.
There are a million ways to be tired,
There are also a million and one forms of rest.

There’s arm rest from an arm chair for tired shoulders,
there’s also a leg rest to prop aching thighs,
and there’re neck rests which looks as strange as it is acceptable on a plane.
Of these arms, legs, neck and all,
the most important part of a person has got to be the heart, right?

It can be a father’s consolation of his new born’s cries in the middle of the night,
or yawning through a late night international call,
or burning midnight oils for that damned college degree you signed up for yourself,

Sometimes what’s better than sleep, what’s worth being physically tired,
is letting the heart be at rest.

What makes your heart rest?

And the heart can be very noble, almost like a personified busybody! Hehee! (: Cheers!

are we overusing the templates?

definitely being a freshie out of adolescence
has granted me a greater sense of freedom.
it’s a legit time for me to resist pure authority
because that’s not the way adults should communicate, right?
as life morphs into a fun-filled 100,000 piece jigsaw puzzle,
it gets harder for your life mentors to specifically tell you what to do.
honest to God, i really wish they could though at times.
but when the issues i used to recite to my mum or godsis or bestfriend,
can no longer fit into a list of an A4 page,
that’s when i realize i’m the only one who can deal with my own shit.

so i enter into this confusing stage where i seek opinions
from anywhere to everywhere else;
just so i can piece some sort of direction to work towards.
is that why people say google is your bestfriend?

that didn’t work out that well.
i feel extremely bipolar when i google too much.
just look at which is the most suitable dieting method,
not to mention the not so trivial issues like whether i should quit my job or not.
bottom line is, only i know myself best, of what i want and what i should do.

granted there are certain guidelines on how one should go about their lives.
they can range from,
avoid drinking till 3am on a weekday before an important meeting to
avoid getting pregnant before getting a college degree to
avoid casually punching annoying people even though they were asking for it,
so on and so forth. the list never ends.

it’s fine to take a page or two from that handbook.
i’d rather view it as merely a template, of life.
be it from the internet, parental guidance,
teacher’s advice, boss’ instructions even?

we all need templates and stencils once in awhile,
but i would prefer doing life freestyle eventually.


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