i'm not used to feeling empty

by chloepeh

i feel so empty my heart seems to be aching.
one moment i’m ecstatic, the next i feel so down.
the emotions are being so stray.

ironically, the weekend was great and eventful compared to other boring lazy weekends of mine.
i went to my best friend’s place for stay over, which i’ve been hoping for years;
i went to church with my friend/relative whom i havent met in months;
i had meaningful conversations with my mum and sis.

those were actually some conscientious effort to be a happier person.
i mean the service venue is really far from my place, 2 hours back and forth,
and i thought i would be happier by now.
why is the emptiness still there?
i feel disconnected, i feel all alone, i feel vulnerable.. it’s negative feelings that sunk into me.
i don’t know how much positive energy it would take to lift my spirits again,
but it seems today’s was not enough.

i cant pin point the cause.
is it that my boyfriend’s been away for almost 2 months
and he’s probably the only one who can take my nonsensical rants
and still give me a smile and hug.
or i don’t have a clique for a sense of belonging, and numbers having my back for a facebook update.
i feel like a loser outcast sometimes, okay?
or that i’m not being productive and feeling like a underdog,
being just a potential instead of shining like a star?
i don’t know if it’s all these issues or none of the issues.
i don’t know what went wrong and i don’t know how to fix this.

now it’s already 3 am and i got to be up in 5 hours time.
kind of just want to miss school, feel the shit guilt, and curl under the sheets.