managing

by chloepeh

it started a few days ago with setting aside some time for revision.
i had to quieten down to focus on schoolwork,
and i felt like i could barely deal with my thoughts and emotions.
they were rather deafening in my silence.
i had to catch up on sleep too, in order to focus on schoolwork, right?
but when i try to get back into my normal sleep cycle,
unlike the crashing from being all maxed out of functioning the day
on 4 hours of sleep the way i have been past two months,
i realize it’s hard for me to fall asleep on a normal routine.

this is hard to put this across without sounding boastful,
because i actually have been enjoying the buzz in being constantly occupied.
to go for a crazy long night which lasts till about 6am when i only have had 4 hours of sleep the previous day,
from crazy long night to another. surfing from one activity to another. it’s always a blast.

i’ve been thinking this is a phase because i usually need my introverted moments to centre my mind.
i think of it as an analogy of a battery, the quiet times are when i get to recharge.
lately i’ve been going through life with being 30% charged, and i keep swearing to myself
i will get myself into a state where i am constantly 80-90% charged instead;
that this is really just a phase.

so i was talking to a friend a few days back,
and we were saying if this is an issue that i’m thinking about,
at which point should i be slowing down then.
i’ve been thinking about it. not that i came to much conclusion yet,
but sometimes when you’re stretched out like that,
it does not always end up snapping back in place, exactly where it used to be,
for example, me getting back into my previous pace.
i’ve heard of many people who just enjoy keeping themselves busy, and rather not spend,or waste, in other words, time sleeping too much.
and i recently have a part of my personality that is appealed to that perspective as well.

don’t exactly know what i’m rambling about now, pardon me for the rather incoherent flow,
it’s currently 3:30am, just back from late night revision, and i still decided to write this right now anyways,
which means i’ll be lacking sleep at work again tomorrow.

i guess my point is back to the first part of this where i’m actually struggling a little,
and all of this hustle is just some coping mechanism, or a cover up for an underlying restlessness.
the notion of this makes me feel slightly pensive,
about how perhaps this is because of life that is causing this reaction.
how people say they need some drinks or a smoke, to manage and get by.

not trying to blame shift it all on this mega concept of ‘life’ though,
i’m just thinking aloud.

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