i believe it’s a spiral shaped learning curve

by chloepeh

take 1 step forward, 2 steps back; 3 steps right, and 4 steps left.
something i tweeted casually a few weeks back,
i didn’t realize it’s just really apt.
in an unpleasant way.

more often than not, i’m always cleaning my own mess, doing damage controls.
so there are some periods, when i get into a good gear. i feel like i’m on a roll.
not before long, i fall into complacency, which leads to what negligence always does, ugly accidents.

pardon me if it seems like i’m beating myself up,
i’m still not over getting mad myself.
i don’t toe the line enough, constantly playing jumping ropes with it.
sometimes i feel like i behave like a child, and i don’t understand consequences.
does anyone feel that way too at times?

i’m a little jaded being back here, this sorry state where i’m forced to reflect on myself.
i thought i got the sensible thought process training thing over and done with, but it’s always back to this same old shit. i’m not mad at anyone but myself.

i read this somewhere, and it resonates with me.

one reason being that it’s unlike the usual cliche lines because it’s so ‘indie’ that i’m having difficulties googling for the exact words back again.
or second reason is just that i have a bad memory plus bad google searching skills. just pardon me please for the complete inaccuracy in quotation.

anywho, long attempt at dry humor cut short, it goes something along the lines like

life is not so much a climb, as much an upward spiral. (??)

as in we go round and round overlapping mistakes over again before we can fully rise above it.
and no shit. if i haven’t been going round and round tirelessly, making similar mistakes over and over again.
note, similar.. cause i hear how people say you should never make the same mistakes twice.
preceding mistakes. they are a more ‘evolved’ version,
a few more kicks before they are completely out of the system.
i might be just applying some baloney logic and etc i guess. in the name of defense and pride.
but i’m just banking on that logic, that i will come out better and stronger
after stumbling again, and again.